{"id":3726,"date":"2019-11-21T03:08:12","date_gmt":"2019-11-21T03:08:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mugwortborn.com\/project\/episode-fifteen-crushes\/"},"modified":"2026-08-28T22:49:13","modified_gmt":"2026-08-28T22:49:13","slug":"episode-fifteen-crushes","status":"publish","type":"project","link":"https:\/\/mugwortborn.com\/id\/project\/episode-fifteen-crushes\/","title":{"rendered":"EPISODE LIMABELAS: Jatuh Cinta"},"content":{"rendered":"

Obsesi dan kasmaran bisa jadi positif, tergantung siapa yang kasmaran dan orang yang menjadi objek kasmaran itu. Jika Anda kasmaran dengan Siddhartha, Anda sangat beruntung. Memiliki perasaan demikian terhadap seorang luhur berarti Anda memiliki selera bagus dan hubungan karma yang baik.<\/p>\n

Kita bisa tergila-gila pada beberapa orang yang tak terduga dan ini disebabkan oleh hubungan karma tersebut. Seringkali kita jatuh cinta pada orang yang akan menghancurkan kita. Kita terpikat pada mereka, seperti seekor nyamuk yang masuk ke perangkap listrik. Di lain waktu, kita tergila-gila pada orang yang membawa kita ke arah yang benar. Kadang-kadang kita punya karma untuk kasmaran pada orang-orang yang menghancurkan tapi juga membawa kita ke arah yang benar, dan itu bukanlah hal yang buruk. Dan terkadang Anda-lah objek kasmaran dan bahkan tanpa melakukan apapun, Anda bisa menghancurkan orang yang kasmaran itu. Atau bisa juga Anda memimpin mereka ke arah yang benar.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Aku punya banyak gebetan dalam hidupku. Dan seperti kebanyakan orang, aku sering jatuh cinta pada orang-orang yang belum pernah kutemui, orang-orang yang sulit dipahami, di luar jangkauanku, atau benar-benar terlarang, seperti ibu dari Rinpoche yang aku ceritakan sebelumnya. Begitulah cara kerja karma. Ironisnya, aku mungkin lebih sering naksir daripada kebanyakan orang karena aku tidak semestinya begitu. Aku seharusnya menjadi seorang lhama, inkarnasi, dan tulku, lebih dari manusia biasa. Orang-orang di sekitarku ingin melindungiku dari gangguan. Mereka berpikir bahwa tugas merekalah untuk menjauhkanku dari objek asmara dan memastikanku memandang perempuan sebagai penghalang, kalau bukan pembuat rintangan. Kurasa pikiran manusia cenderung menginginkan apa yang dilarang karena semua ini tidak berhasil mempengaruhiku. Aku selalu ingin tahu tentang wanita dan percintaan. Buah terlaranglah yang paling manis.<\/p>\n

Para tutor memberikan pandangan yang sangat kontradiktif tentang perempuan. Kebanyakan dari mereka benar-benar merendahkan perempuan dan menggambarkan mereka sebagai penjahat, terutama para biksu pembimbing yang mempraktikkan penolakan kehidupan rumah tangga. Mereka secara pribadi melakukan apa saja untuk menghindari hasrat dan gangguan dalam bentuk hubungan asmara, dan karena begitulah cara mereka menjalani hidup, mereka secara alami mempromosikannya, seperti seorang vegetarian yang mempromosikan vegetarianisme. Itu kebiasaan mereka. Itu yang mereka lakukan. Aku kira jika aku seorang Rinpoche wanita, mereka mungkin akan berkhotbah bahwa laki-laki adalah pengalih perhatian, sebagaimana para biksuni seharusnya berpikir. Di sisi lain, beberapa yogi pembimbingku, mengajarkan bahwa merendahkan perempuan adalah suatu kekurangan. Aku ingat salah satu guruku, seorang yogi bernama Lama Kunga, yang merupakan murid Lama Gangshar, memberitahuku bahwa dalam sehelai rambut wanita ada miliaran kota dakini.<\/p>\n

Namun nampaknya di seluruh dunia, terutama Asia, terdapat sikap budaya yang menganggap perempuan lebih rendah. Bahkan saat ini di biara-biara tertentu, terutama di tempat-tempat seperti Bhutan, perempuan dilarang memasuki ruang altar pelindung tertentu seperti ruang Mahakali. Sangat dimaklumi jika sebuah biara mengecualikan perempuan, karena biara itu seperti asrama laki-laki. Namun ironisnya mereka melarang perempuan memasuki kuil Mahakali, khususnya karena Mahakali sendiri adalah perempuan yang paling agung. Aku percaya ini suatu budaya yang menodai Buddhadharma.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Para pembimbingku sangat waspada terhadap perempuan bule, yang mereka sebut \u201cgadis-gadis Ingie\u201d. Mereka tak mengerti mengapa para bule berjalan-jalan dengan rambut berwarna terang, mata biru dan kulit putih, mengenakan pakaian terbuka seperti jeans. Para lama terbiasa melihat gadis-gadis Tibet dengan kostum berbulu halus yang tampak seperti selimut besar dengan mata tertunduk malu-malu. Bahkan rok panjang yang dikenakan perempuan bule pun bisa menimbulkan kesan sugestif. Itu karena bahasa tubuh mereka, cara mereka menatap langsung ke mata Anda, adalah sopan-santun di barat. Jadi di mata para lhama, perempuan bule itu berbahaya dan mereka tak pernah berhenti mewanti-wanti. Mereka yakin bahwa para tulku dirusak oleh gadis-gadis Ingie. Namun secara statistik hal itu tidak benar. Lebih banyak tulku yang akhirnya kabur bersama wanita Asia. Tapi prasangka ini tetap ada.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Dengan semua propaganda bahwa hasrat itu tidak baik dan wanita harus dihindari, aku harus belajar berpura-pura tidak tertarik. Aku belajar menyembunyikannya. Meskipun aku sangat berhati-hati ketika kami pergi keluar, selalu waspada, berhati-hati untuk tidak melihat wanita dan terlihat tak tertarik ketika mereka mendekatiku\u2014pengajarku dan biksu yang lebih tua terus menerus menggodaku dan menyindir bahwa aku sedang mengincar perempuan. Sebagai seorang anak yang sedang tumbuh, ini menyebabkan rasa malu pada topik perempuan.<\/p>\n

Aku pikir akan bermanfaat jika para pembimbing dan pemandu memberikan tutorial kepada para lhama dan tulku muda tentang pendidikan seks dan masalah gender. Mereka bisa tetap menjelaskan bahwa ini semua adalah gangguan, namun mereka juga dapat melatih cara menghormati perempuan dan cara berkomunikasi dengan lawan jenis. Ini tak ada sama sekali dalam pelatihan tulku di zaman sekarang.<\/p>\n

Hal paling dilarang berikutnya adalah Bioskop. Merenungkan ini, aku bisa bersimpati terhadap para pembimbingku yang begitu waspada terhadap film, terutama film India, yang penuh dengan alur cerita dan lagu-lagu romantis, yang menanamkan ide di benak para biksu dan Rinpoche muda. Banyak dari biksu tua ini mungkin belum pernah melihat pria dan wanita menari dan berpelukan sampai mereka menonton film. Meski saat itu tak ada cium-ciuman, apalagi adegan eksplisit, namun hal itu sudah keterlaluan bagi mereka. Banyak tulku, biksu, dan Rinpoche yang rentan terhadap alam yang memikat ini. Mereka benar-benar bisa membayangkan diri punya pasangan romantis yang menari di tengah hujan, berguling-guling di atas bunga. Tentu saja aku akhirnya terbawa begitu juga.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Salah satu masalah terbesar yang dihadapi oleh para guru disiplin dan kepala biara adalah mencegah para biksu muda menyelinap ke bioskop dan menonton film. Ada cerita yang sangat lucu tentang Chatrul Rinpoche, yang memulai pusat meditasi di Darjeeling pada tahun 1970an, menangkap para biksu yang menyelinap ke bioskop di malam hari. Jika Chatrul Rinpoche tahu, beliau akan datang ke teater di tengah-tengah film dan menyorotkan senter listrik yang terang ke arah penonton untuk mencari biksu-biksunya, hingga beliau menyeret mereka kembali ke pusat meditasi.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Salah satu orang yang pertama dan paling kugandrungi adalah aktris India Zeenat Aman. Aku tinggal di ruang doa di istana Sikkim, dikelilingi oleh para pengajar dan pelayan. Aku tinggal di lantai atas dan di bawah adalah tempat tinggal Khandro Tshering Ch\u00f6dron. Kamar mandinya juga ada di lantai bawah. Aku hanya diizinkan keluar kamar ketika aku pergi ke toilet. Kadang-kadang aku diizinkan meninggalkan ruang doa dan berjalan-jalan di sekitar istana. Ini tandanya suasana hati tutorku sedang bagus. Pergi ke bioskop sangatlah susah.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Kadang-kadang, Khyentse Labrang melakukan puja besar dan para biksu datang dari berbagai daerah. Inilah kesempatanku untuk bertemu dengan beberapa biksu muda dan mereka bercerita kepadaku tentang film-film Bollywood yang pernah mereka tonton dan risiko yang mereka ambil. Banyak sekali film yang mereka bicarakan. Ada film berjudul Bobby<\/em> dan film berjudul Laila Majnu<\/em>, tapi yang paling aku minati adalah Satyam Shivam Sundaram<\/em> yang dibintangi Zeenat Aman. Aku tak punya kesempatan untuk menonton film itu, aku hanya bisa mendengar ceritanya dari para biksu. Aku pasti telah memohon-mohon agar mereka menceritakan kisah film itu padaku, berkali-kali.<\/p>\n

Setiap biksu punya versi yang berbeda sehingga aku tak pernah bosan mendengarnya. Beberapa biksu berhasil menyelundupkan beberapa foto bintang film dan menawarkannya kepadaku. Ini berbahaya, jauh lebih berbahaya daripada buku komik. Aku harus menyembunyikan foto-foto ini di tempat-tempat khusus, sedemikian rupa sehingga aku hampir tak punya kesempatan untuk melihatnya. Namun mengetahui bahwa aku punya foto-foto itu di suatu tempat saja sudah membuatku bergetar. Ada aktris populer lainnya seperti Hema Malini dan Madhu Bala, tapi aku adalah penggemar setia Zeenat Aman. Mungkin karena kaitan karma, hutang karma, ada rasa kesetiaan padanya, rasanya salah melihat foto aktris lain.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Ketika Kyabje Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche dan Dudjom Rinpoche memberikan transmisi, kami harus mendengarkan teks yang dibacakan. Kadang-kadang bisa memakan waktu 10 jam per hari dan kami tak boleh tertidur. Harus kuakui, seringkali pikiranku dipenuhi dengan cerita sinematik. Seringkali, aku berperan sebagai pahlawan romantis, berguling-guling di ladang berbunga bersama Zeenat Aman. Aku masih punya kebiasaan yang sama, tapi daripada bernyanyi di tengah hujan, sekarang lebih serius seperti membayangkanku duduk di kantor oval sebagai presiden Amerika Serikat, menyelesaikan masalah-masalah dunia.<\/p>\n

Hubungan karmaku dengan Zeenat Aman habis ketika hubungan karma dengan wanita lain berkembang. Entah bagaimana aku mendapatkan foto seorang gadis Eropa dan Zeenat benar-benar terlupakan saat itu juga. Beberapa tahun kemudian barulah aku tahu gadis di foto itu adalah aktris Italia Claudia Cardinale. Keranjingan ini tak pernah benar-benar hilang. Bahkan hingga saat ini ketika aku memesan thangka Tara dan Vajrayogini, aku meminta agar mereka dilukis menyerupai Claudia Cardinale.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Foto Claudia Cardinale-lah yang membawaku pada hukuman paling berat di masa kecilku. Terlepas dari semua peringatan, teguran, dan makian, perempuan dan sinema tetap menyusup ke dalam hidupku. Aku tak pernah mendengar akhir dari ceramah dan omelan setelah mereka menemukan foto Claudia di papan lantaiku.<\/p>\n

Meskipun aku tak pernah bisa mengklaim diriku sebagai seseorang dengan pencapaian spiritual tertentu, setidaknya aku memiliki hubungan dengan Buddha dan dharma. Aku suka berpikir bahwa melalui ketertarikanku pada Zeenat Aman dan Claudia Cardinale, mungkin pada akhirnya mereka akan terhubung dengan Buddha dharma.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Obsesi dan kasmaran bisa jadi positif, tergantung siapa yang kasmaran dan orang yang menjadi objek kasmaran itu. Jika Anda kasmaran dengan Siddhartha, Anda sangat beruntung. Memiliki perasaan demikian terhadap seorang luhur berarti Anda memiliki selera bagus dan hubungan karma yang baik. Kita bisa tergila-gila pada beberapa orang yang tak terduga dan ini disebabkan oleh hubungan […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":3728,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"off","_et_pb_old_content":"Obsession and infatuation can be positive but it depends on who is infatuated and the person who is the object of infatuation. If you are infatuated by Siddhartha, you are very lucky. To have that feeling toward someone sublime means you have good taste and a good karmic link.\r\n\r\nWe get infatuated by some of the most unlikely people and this is because of those karmic connections. Many times we become infatuated by people who will destroy us. We just fall for those things, like a mosquito jumping to the electric zapper. Other times we get infatuated by people who take us in the right direction. Sometimes we have karma to be infatuated by people who both<\/em> destroy us and lead us in the right direction, which isn\u2019t a bad thing. And sometimes you are the object of the infatuation and without trying you might destroy them. Or you might lead them in the right direction.\r\n\r\n\"\"\r\n\r\nI have had so many crushes in my life. And like a lot of people, I often had crushes on people who I'd never met, people who were elusive, out of my league, or completely off limits, like the mother of the Rinpoche I mentioned before<\/a>. Such are the workings of karma. Ironically, I may have had more crushes than most because I was not supposed to have crushes. I was supposed to be a lama, an incarnation, a tulku, above ordinary human beings. The people surrounding me wanted to protect me from distractions. They thought it was their duty to distance me from the objects of crushes and to make sure I viewed women as hindrances, at best, and as possible obstacle makers. I guess the human mind is prone to wanting what is prohibited because none of this managed to sway me. I have always been curious about women and romance. The forbidden fruit is the sweetest.\r\n\r\nMy tutors gave me very contradictory views about women. Most of them really denigrated women and painted them as villains, especially the monastic tutors who were practicing renunciation of household life. They personally did everything they could to avoid desire and the distractions of relationships and since that was how they lived their lives, they naturally preached it, like a vegetarian promotes vegetarianism. It was their habit. It was what they did. I suppose that if I was a woman Rinpoche, they might have preached men are distractions, just like nuns are supposed to think. On the other hand, a few of my tutors, who were yogis, taught me that denigrating women was a defect. I remember one of my tutors, a yogi named Lama Kunga, who was a disciple of Lama Gangshar, told me that even a single lock of a woman\u2019s hair had billions of cities of dakinis.\r\n\r\nYet it seems that all over the world, especially in Asia, there is this cultural attitude that women are inferior. Even today at certain monasteries, especially in places like Bhutan, women are barred from certain protector shrine rooms like the Mahakali room. It is understandable for a monastery to exclude women, since it\u2019s like a boys hostel. But it is ironic that they prevent women from entering the Mahakali shrine in particular because Mahakali is the most supreme woman herself. I believe this is absolutely a cultural thing that is staining the Buddhadharma.\r\n\r\n\"\"\r\n\r\nMy tutors were especially wary of western women, \u201cIngie girls\u201d they called them. They just didn\u2019t know how to relate to them walking around with their light hair, blue eyes and fair skin, wearing revealing clothes like jeans. The lamas were used to seeing Tibetan girls in fluffy costumes that looked like big blankets with shy downcast eyes. Even the long skirts Western women wore could be suggestive. It was their body language, the way they looked directly in your eyes, because that\u2019s the polite way to do it in the west. So in the eyes of the lamas Western women were dangerous and the warnings never stopped. They were convinced that tulkus were being ruined by Ingie girls. But statistically that\u2019s not true. Many more tulkus ended up running off with Asian women. But there was this kind of prejudice.\r\n\r\n\"\"\r\n\r\nWith all this propaganda that desire was not good and women should be avoided, I had to learn to pretend that I wasn\u2019t interested. I learned how to be discrete. Even though I was meticulous when we went out\u2014always on guard, careful not to look at women and to appear disinterested when they approached me\u2014my tutors and the older monks would tease me endlessly and insinuate that I was eyeing girls. For a growing child, this cultivated a sense of embarrassment around the topic of women.\r\n\r\nI think it would be beneficial if the tutors and guides gave young lamas and tulkus a tutorial on sex education and gender issues. They could continue to explain about the distractions involved, but they could also train how to respect women and how to communicate with the opposite sex. This is totally missing in tulku training today.\r\n\r\nThe next most prohibited thing after women was the cinema. Looking back, I can sympathize with my tutors for being so wary of films, especially Indian films, which were full of romantic storylines and songs, planting ideas in the minds of young monks and rinpoches. Many of these older monks probably had never seen men and women dancing and hugging until they went to a film. Even though in those days there was no kissing, let alone explicit scenes, it was outrageous to them. Many tulkus, monks and Rinpoches were susceptible to that fantastical realm. They really could imagine themselves having a romantic partner dancing in the rain, rolling around in the flowers. Of course I ended up becoming swept up in that that too.\r\n\r\n\"\"\r\n\r\nOne of the biggest struggles the discipline masters and abbots faced was preventing the younger monks from sneaking out to the cinema and watching films. There is a very funny story of Chatrul Rinpoche, who was starting his meditation center in Darjeeling in the 1970s, catching his monks who\u2019d sneaked out to the cinema in the evenings. If Chatrul Rinpoche found out, he would come into the theater in the middle of the film and shine a bright electric torch at the audience looking for his monks so he could drag them back to the center.\r\n\r\n\"\"\r\n\r\nOne of my first and strongest crushes was the Indian actress Zeenat Aman. I was living in the chapel at the palace of Sikkim, surrounded by tutors and attendants. I lived upstairs and downstairs was Khandro Tshering Ch\u00f6dron. The bathroom was also downstairs. The only time I was allowed out of my room was when I went to the toilet. Occasionally I was allowed to leave the chapel and walk around the palace. This was a sign that my tutors were in a good mood. Going out to the movies was unthinkable.\r\n\r\n\"\"\r\n\r\nAt times, Khyentse Labrang would do big pujas and monks would come from different places. This was my chance to meet some younger monks and they told me about the Bollywood films they had seen and the risks they took to go. There were so many films that they talked about. There was one called Bobby<\/em>. And a film called Laila Majnu <\/em>but the one I was most interested in was Satyam Shivam Sundaram <\/em>starring Zeenat Aman. I had no chance to go see it, I could only hear about it from the monks. I must have begged them to tell me the story so many times, again and again. Each monk had a different version so it never got old. A few of the monks managed to smuggle in a few photos of the films stars and offered them to me. Now this was dangerous, much more dangerous than comic books. I had to hide these photos in special places, so much so that I hardly had a chance to even look at them. Just knowing that I possessed the images somewhere gave me a thrill. There were other popular actresses like Hema Malini and Madhu Bala, but I was a staunch Zeenat Aman fan. Call it karmic link, karmic debt, there was a sense of loyalty toward her, it felt wrong to look at pictures of other actresses.\r\n\r\n\"\"\r\n\r\nWhen Kyabje Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche and Dudjom Rinpoche were conferring transmissions, we would have to listen to the text being read. It could sometimes take 10 hours per day and we were not allowed to fall asleep. I have to confess, many times my mind was filled with cinematic stories. Oftentimes, I would cast myself as the romantic hero, rolling in the flowering fields with Zeenat Aman. I still have that habit but instead of singing in the rain, nowadays it\u2019s more serious like imagining I\u2019m sitting in the oval office as the president of the United States, solving the problems of the world.\r\n\r\nMy karmic link with Zeenat Aman exhausted when a karmic link to another woman bloomed. I somehow obtained a photo of a European girl and Zeenat was totally forgotten on the spot. Only many years later I found the girl in the photo was Italian actress Claudia Cardinale. This crush never really stopped. Even today when I commission thangkas of Tara and Vajrayogini, I ask them to fashion them after Claudia Cardinale.\r\n\r\n\"\"\r\n\r\nIt was Claudia Cardinale\u2019s photo that lead me to the most severe punishment of my childhood. Despite all the warnings, admonitions, and scoldings, women and cinema crept into my life. I never heard the end of the lectures and scoldings after they found her photo in my floorboards.\r\n\r\nEven though I can never claim myself as an accomplished spiritual person, at least I have a connection to the Buddha and the dharma. I like to think that through my crushes on Zeenat Aman and Claudia Cardinale they might also be connected to the Buddha and the dharma eventually.\r\n\r\n\"\"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"project_category":[85],"project_tag":[],"class_list":["post-3726","project","type-project","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","project_category-episodes-id"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mugwortborn.com\/id\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/project\/3726","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mugwortborn.com\/id\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/project"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mugwortborn.com\/id\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/project"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mugwortborn.com\/id\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mugwortborn.com\/id\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3726"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/mugwortborn.com\/id\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/project\/3726\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4142,"href":"https:\/\/mugwortborn.com\/id\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/project\/3726\/revisions\/4142"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mugwortborn.com\/id\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3728"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mugwortborn.com\/id\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3726"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"project_category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mugwortborn.com\/id\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/project_category?post=3726"},{"taxonomy":"project_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mugwortborn.com\/id\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/project_tag?post=3726"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}